The Sidious and Trade Federation Letters
by ArwenMUC
Summary: Here you will find a record of the interactions between Sidious and the leaders of the Trade Federation. These letters will cover events from TPM through ROTS.
1. Note 1 Sidious

Author Note:

**1. I do not own SW or any of the official SW characters.**

**2. These letters should not be taken literally  
**

**3. This story is AU**

**4. I'm having co-writers write the part of the Trade Federation.**

**Timeframe: Begings a little before TPM and ends in ROTS**

The quick background story of this Note-

Palpatine, as Darth Sidioius, made a decision to lure the Trade Federation in aiding him advance in his political career...to create sympathy for himself.

The Notes begin with his proposition to the Trade Federation...

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Note 1:  
To Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

You are the heads of the Trade Federation, are you not? I have a proposal to make to you. You want to be able to control a planet of your own? That would be nice, wouldn't it? Of course you do! You could be just like the Maurders that way. They own planets.

But you're thinking, "We have no way," right? Well what if I told you that there was a way.

Let me first introduce myself….my name is Darth Sidious, a Sith master. I have the very way of exactly how this could be done.

I know of a certain planet called Naboo…I also have arranged it so that the current ruler of the planet falls sick. There is a young teenage girl who has been very active on the planet. I have arranged things so that she will be elected as Queen.

Seeing how she is only 14, you will be able to control her quite easily.

So I was wondering if we might come to an arrangement. I need you to invade that planet for me…that's all I need you to do.

Everything else will fall into place nicely for me. Everyone will be so sympathetic towards Naboo, but that is not your concern. I need you to invade it.

I have certain…connections with the Senate…and I will see to it that your invasion is made legal…I have the means of bogging down the Senate with so many procedures that no one will be able to deal with you, and you'll have control of the planet.

Do not speak to anyone about this, you got it? If I find out that you have…you don't even want to know what I'd do to you. AM I CLEAR ON THIS?

Darth Sidious


	2. Note 2 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 2:  
Darth Sidious,

We like what you have told us, and decided to help. We will invade Naboo as ordered. When do you wish all this to start.

You make yourself perfectly clear, we will not speak of this to anyone.

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	3. Note 3 Sidious

Note 3:  
Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

Very good. I am pleased that we could work out this deal. We will both benefit from this, I promise.

Construct a droid army…..and when you have finished completion of the droid army, you are to invade the planet within a week of that.

Let me know when you are done with your droid army…and when you are ready to invade.

Do not contact me unless you have something to report. I don't have time for nonsense. I am trying to get the Senate bogged down with procedures.

Darth Sidious


	4. Note 4 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 4:  
Darth Sidious,

We have finished our army, and will begin to invade in a few days.

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	5. Note 5 Sidious

Note 5:  
Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

Excellent! News of the invasion has spread quickly and has now reached the Senate. The Supreme Chancellor has just been informed of it and has announced that two ambassadors will be sent to Naboo.

Kill the ambassadors once they arrive….and make a treaty with the Queen of Naboo. Because she is so young, you will find controlling her will not be a problem. Formulate a treaty between her and you. Make her sign it.

Then you will have complete control of the system. I will assure you that the treaty WILL be ratified by the Senate.

Contact me once the ambassadors have arrived.

Darth Sidious


	6. Note 6 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 6:  
Darth Sidious,

The ambassadors have arrived, but I believe they are Jedi Knights. They wear the cloaks, and look like them. What should we do? We do not dare go against a Jedi Knight.

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	7. Note 7 Sidious

Note 7:  
Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

The ambassadors have arrived? Yes, they are Jedi Knights. I was informed that the Supreme Chancellor contacted the Jedi Council, and that he sent two Jedi Knights.

The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them immediately!

You have droids…..kill them! And have you made the treaty yet?

You cowards! Don't you have any confidence in me or our plans. I don't want to hear this kind of talk from you again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I am a Sith master, and trust me, you can go against the Jedi.

I want them dead!!!!!!!

Darth Sidious


	8. Note 8 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 8:  
Darth Sidious,

The Jedi must be dead by now. We had them in a room and filled it with poison gas, and sent droids there, to destroy what's left of them. Are you pleased with that?  
The invasion is continuing like planned.

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	9. Note 9 Sidious

Note 9:  
Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

Don't assume too much. Jedi are very resourceful. Not until you have their bodies do you assume that they are dead. Do you understand me????? I want proof!!!!! Are they dead?

I want an update. Be blunt about it. What is going on?

Good, continue on with the invasion as planned.

Now where are the Jedi? What happened to them? Do you have their dead bodies?

Darth Sidious


	10. Note 10 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 10:  
Darth Sidious,

The invasion is going as planned. We are now sending ground troops.

The Jedi seemed to have escaped, but they will not escape the ship.

What is next in the plan?

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	11. Note 11 Sidious

Note 11:  
Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

Very good. I have been hearing all kinds of reports about how you are invading the planet. I have heard rumors that you have even taken Theed. Is that true?

I have not heard a word about that treaty yet. Have you made one? Has the Queen signed it?

And what about the Jedi? Are they alive, or are they dead? I want answers. You think the Jedi escaped? Possible, but are you sure? I want proof. Did you see them alive? They are probably alive since you haven't found their bodies yet.

You better not let them escape…..or I'm going to have to send my apprentice to you, and I would rather keep him out of this…..I'm not sure it's a good idea to reveal the Sith yet.

What is next in the plan? Well first off, I NEED to know whether the Jedi are alive yet, and I need to know whether you have taken Theed yet. If you have NOT taken Theed yet, take it now. Take all the rulers of Naboo and put them in camps. Make a treaty and have the queen sign it.

Once the treaty is signed, take it to your Senators on Coruscant. Have them present it to the Senate…..and the Senate will have no choice but to accept it. I have already pushed for laws about the legality of treaties, and how they must be accepted. I did that way back when I was first elected to Naboo. I have pushed for other actions that will force them to recognize you as leaders of Naboo once the treaty has been signed.

If she escapes, keep me updated on the progress, but do NOT WITHOLD any information from me. Is that clear?

Darth Sidious


	12. Note 12 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 12:  
Darth Sidious,

Sorry, but I would like to ask, do you mean do not with-hold anything from you, or with-old anything from you, or maybe withhold? Because you wrote it like withold, and I don't get it. It's kinda cofusing when you don't right, I mean write things correctly.

Anyway, we have taken Theed, made the treaty, but the queen refuses to sigh it. The Jedi...well, they escaped. We couldn't not stop them, and they must have gotten on one of our landing ships, that was heading for the planet. They are alive. Sorry, to disappoint you.

Your apprentice? You're going to send YOUR APPRENTICE HERE!!!!! Uh, I do not think that is needed, we can handle things. Trust us.

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	13. Note 13 Sidious

Note 13:  
Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray,

I was tired when I wrote your letter, okay? I make mistakes when I'm tired. I accidentally left out one of the h's in withhold. It shouldn't have been that hard to figure out what I meant. You could have known what I meant by the context in which I wrote it….if you know what context is.

You idiots! All you have to do is torture the queen, force people to suffer in front of her….and she will eventually sign the treaty. Feel free to kill people right in front of her…and go capture her family. Torture them so that she can hear their screams. Talk to her! Tell her that all her people will die. Give her statistics of the numbers dead so far, and the numbers estimated to die in the near future if she doesn't sign.

What do you mean, "the Jedi escaped?" Where are they? They couldn't have gotten off the planet. You have the blockade in position, right? Shoot any ship that tries to get passed it. I want you to kill the Queen. Perhaps that will move sympathy along in the Senate.

If they are down on your planet, kill them. I don't care what it takes.

I will send my apprentice to you if you let anyone escape from Naboo. Do you understand me? I want the Jedi and queen dead…if she tries to escape. Try to get her to sign the treaty, but if she won't, she is no good to us. Kill her.

I will give you one more chance to clean up your mistakes…as long as you kill the Jedi, I'll forget that they escaped you before.

Now get to it.

Darth Sidious


	14. Note 14 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 14:  
Darth Sidious,

The Jedi got off our ship, not our planet. You said planet in your last letter. Are you always tired, or you just write when you're tried?

The Jedi escaped and I just got news that they had rescued the Queen, and gotten onto a ship. We are shooting at any ships that are flying out of the planet, so they will not escape this time.

No, she did not sign the treaty and she wasn't here long enough to see her people suffer. Do you still want me to kill her people, or was that just a suggestion?

You're sending YOUR apprentice here? Ok, but will he/she/it kill us if we make another mistake? I'm sorry that the Jedi escaped, and got the queen, but I'm telling you they will NOT get pass our ships.

Rune Hakko and Nute Gunray


	15. Note 15 Sidious

Note 15:  
Nute Gunray and Rune Haako,

You fools!!!!!! You let the queen get away!

Idiots. I knew what I was talking about. I was talking about the PLANET and not your ship. You had told me in the previous letter that you believed that the Jedi had gotten down on the planet. I was saying that I didn't want them to get off Naboo. Don't ever try to think that you're smarter than me, because you're not!!!!

Yes, I make mistakes when I'm tired, and so does everyone. The planet thing in my last letter was not a mistake, as I have just explained to you.

I can point out mistakes in your letter too. You wrote "tried" instead of "tired." You also wrote "pass" instead of "passed." Don't try to think that you are superior to me or you will find yourselves very dead. Is that clear????

Now do things right and destroy the ship with your blockade. I want them DEAD. You understand? If Queen Amidala responds to my last letter, I will know that you failed. Don't let them leave the blockade.

Yes, I KNOW that she didn't sign the treaty, which was another failure on your part. Yes. Kill people on Naboo. Please….it will help my cause.

If you let the ship escape your blockade, then YES, I WILL send my apprentice to you, depending on what Amidala does. No, my apprentice won't kill you if you make a mistake. I need you. After your use in my plans is over, then yes, if you mess up my apprentice will kill you!!!!!

You better not let them get passed the blockade!!!!!

Darth Sidious


	16. Note 16 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 16:  
Darth Sidious,

I'm sorry I corrected you on your 'mistake', but I misread it, because you said, 'Your planet' and we don't have Naboo, so that's we thought you made a mistake. Sorry, and we will not correct you again, unless it's too hard to understand.

We seemed to have failed you again, because the Queen had gotten passed our blockade. We believe we may have damaged their ship, but we cannot track them down.

We have started to set the different people in different groups so we can start the killing.

You're sending Your apprentice Here!?! All right, we believe, uh, think, um suppose that is all right, we did fail you, about, 1, no 2, wait, 3, no that's not right, 4 maybe 5 times. By the way, does he know what he looks like? He looks really...weird.

Nute Gunray and Rune Hakko

PS. You spelt my last name wrong. It's Hakko, not Haako. Opps, I wasn't supposed to correct you.


	17. Note 17 Sidious

Note 17:  
Nute Gunray and Rune Hakko,

What I meant by "Your planet," was Naboo. Since you have invaded it, it IS technically your planet, you idiots!!! Don't you even know when something is yours? When you invaded it, you took possession of it.

YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!! You let the Queen escape!! Now I'm going to have to send my apprentice out to go find them, and after he does, he'll come to Naboo to make sure that you don't mess anything up further. How did the queen get passed the blockade? You have how many ships orbiting the Naboo, and she still got away? You can't even shoot down a ship?

Do you have any of the Naboo leaders as prisoners or did they all escape? If you do, make sure you torture and kill the people right in front of the leaders….and did you place the transmission equipment aboard all the ships so that the leaders can contact the ship when they see the suffering and dying of the people? If so, send any information directly to my apprentice Darth Maul. Do NOT try to interpret the code or anything. I don't trust you to handle that information. My apprentice will then trace the message so that he can discover where the ship is.

Good. Start the killing at your will.

Yes I'm sending my apprentice to you. You proved yourselves to be too foolish…..you messed everything up. He will be there to see that you don't mess anything up further. You are to obey him, do you understand?

I don't care how weird you think my apprentice looks. He is my apprentice and is well trained.

I spelled "Hakko" wrong….so what. Oops, Big mistake on my part. Thank you for correcting me. Do you really think I care how you spell your stupid names?

Darth Sidious


	18. Note 18 Trade Federation

Author - SilentSith (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=702672

Note 18:  
Darth Hideous, opps we mean, uh, Sidious

Yes, we have some rulers as prisoners, and will start to killing the people before them as you have requested. Yes, we do have a way to contact the ship, and we would send the information to your apprentice, but we don't know how, so, uh, you have any ideas?

We can't shoot a ship that's flying above our ships, so that's how they got away!! But we believe to have damaged it some, so we don't think it will get to wherever it was going.

Ok, so you're sending your apprentice. We understand FULLY and will obey him, just don't let him kill us.

Nute Gunray and Rune Hakko


	19. Note 19 Sidious

Note 19:  
Nute Gunray and Rune Hakko,

You fools!!!!! How dare you insult me! Do you know how stupid you were to insult me? My name is not Darth Hideous, and if you ever call me that again you will find yourselves very dead.

Good. I'm glad you have captured some of the people in high positions in the Naboo government, but have you actually started to kill people in front of them yet? If so, I demand that you give me full reports of the situation.

Stupids, you send information to my apprentice by downloading the files to computer chips and then inserting the computer chips into your message to my apprentice. I gave you his contacting number already. You punch it into your com and insert the computer chip and the information will be sent to him directly.

It is not as important anymore because the Queen told me she was on a planet called Tatooine.

You dumb heads!!!! Their ship was not flying above you until it got passed the blockade. Until that point they were UNDERNEATH you. You blockaded Naboo….so in order to get passed the blockade they had to pass through the blockade. They came from the planet, which means that they were below you….you were already up in the sky above the planet…and you blockaded it so that no ship was supposed to go into or out of the planet.

Their ship is damaged, but my apprentice will take care of them. He will capture or kill the queen and the other Senators in the Senate will have so much sympathy for Naboo that they will kick the current Supreme Chancellor out of office…..and I'm not going to tell you the rest.

Once I have accomplished my goal, I cannot guarantee your well-being. Here is a suggestion, don't do anything foolish.

Darth Sidious


	20. Note 20 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

To Darth Sidious,

Forgive us for the mistake in the paste most esteemed Lord Sidious, we did not mean to be disrepectful with the mistaken titles. You Sith Lords have always been so unusual with your choice of names that when Ruune Hako could not remember in point of fact what your name was he simply put Darth Hideous in all his correspondence. Forgive us and have mercy on his idiocy, I know who you are, please do not think that I would have allowed this error had I known. I myself was negotiating trade with a few unsatisfied planets in the Lower Rims who were considering breaking away from Republic rule to join our people.

The mistake with the escape of the queen is in point of fact not our fault. We were on the planet when she flew off, and unable to properly ensure that she was captured. The droids are acting strangely of late, they seem to do worse and worse as time goes by. The jedi dispatched them without any difficulty. We need more droids if we are to succeed in instilling respect and fear in the hearts of the Nubian people. As it is I have reports of several captives that did not escape, some of whom I will be visiting after finishing this message. Would you like me to kill any of them? And we wish your apprentice Darth Bawl the greatest success on his endeavours, but please don't send him here. Rune doesn't like horns, they scare him and a frightened partner tends to hide in bed. That is bad for business,

yours sincerely,  
Nute Gunray and Rune Haako.


	21. Note 21 Sidious

Note 21

Nute Gunray and Rune Hakko,

You better be sorry!

I am impressed that you damaged the ship, but you were supposed to destroy it! Ah!!! What am I going to do with you two! Well anyway, make sure you continue to kill and torture people on Naboo.

Well your failure to keep Queen Amidala on Naboo no longer is of concern. She will be on Coruscant soon, and your mistake can now be overlooked. I have thought of another way that will work to our advantage.

Good…..have you begun to kill people in front of important officials, such as Sio Bibble? If my understand is correct, he has sent a message to the Queen's ship. Well they will probably not reply to it, but my apprentice is leaving for Tatooine and will take care of the whole matter. Do not worry about it. The only thing I want you to worry about is killing the citizens of Naboo, but you must do it slowly so that it lasts for a long period of time.

If you ever mess my name up again… remember that I am a Sith Lord, and I may forget that you are working for me for a moment, and you may find yourself dead.

Good. I'm glad you're killing people now. How many people have you killed so far?

My apprentice (and do not mess his name up either) is named Darth Maul. He is going to Tatooine first, and will probably then go to Naboo….but it depends on how our plans go.

How many battle droids do you have on Naboo right now? Hurry up and send more to Naboo. You need as many as you can get in case there is battle. You must be prepared for everything.

By the way, are you sure that you have all of the Naboo people in camps. I heard that there was a species called the Gungans….and that they lived underwater somewhere in underwater villages…now I don't know if it's true or not…but search for the rumored underwater villages.

How is the Invasion going now? You have taken over the palace, I hope.

You two idiots don't even know how to get a couple of names right. It's a wonder that you can even invade a planet….just remember that without me, you would have never have been able to invade a planet. No!!!!! My apprentice's name is NOT Darth Bawl; it's Darth MAUL.

Do you know what the word "maul" means? Have you ever heard of getting mauled by a wild animal? Well in case you haven't heard…it's when a wild animal attacks a person and injures the person severely…it rips flesh and claws and bits and the person is in bad shape and sometimes dies. Well keep this in mind….Darth Maul goes by the name Darth Maul for a reason. That's what he'll do to you if you cause ANY problem….do I make myself clear?

Continue killing people. Remember this, you can never kill too many people.

Oh yes….I forgot about your low intelligences. Of course you wouldn't be able to count the number of battle droids on Naboo….you can't count that high….

Good. Have you found the Gungans yet? I want you to DESTROY any villages or cities that you may find.

So, Rune Haako allowed the nasty and insulting comments to slip through? Kindly remind him that I am a Sith Lord. He does not want to make another mistake. Dispose of those responsible for the mistake, except for Rune Haako, as he is important to the Trade Federation. Remind him that I may not be so forgiving next time. You do know what I do to those who insult me, correct? I am sure that I do not need not need to provide that information.

I trust that you are able to dispose of the offender yourselves. Deal with this effectively. Beings like that do not need to live. You have served me very loyally, and it will not be forgotten.

You sound like you have done very well. Keep searching. I am certain that the underwater Gungan cities exist. When you find them, you must DESTROY them completely. I want them wiped out.

As I told you before, do not worry about the trace on your message. I already know where they are. The Queen has written to me again, telling me that they are on their way to Coruscant. They've already left Tatooine. I will handle the situation from here. Should Amidala choose to return to Naboo, you must be ready for her. Assemble your droid army, and make sure everything is in order.

As I have told you before, I have connections with the Senate. I can guess that you assumed that I know a Senator in the Senate? That I do, and I will guarantee that I will secure your taking of Naboo for the Trade Federation. I will do everything in my power to move against Amidala. Tell me, do you have contact with your Trade Federation Senators?

Sith Lords are given titles by their Sith Masters, and the Masters choose names that describe the apprentice. For example, my name, Darth "Sidious" is taken from the word "insidious," if you know what that word means.

As for the droids, do not worry. You will have to create more effective droids, and you must create new ones. In fact, it may work out that your Trade Federation could join with other groups. Do you know of the Maurder Organization? There is a planet they own called Geonosis. If you could work something out with them, perhaps they would accommodate you in your droid production? Another planet that might serve you is a planet called Mustafar. It is a volcanic planet located here (provides the exact coordinates.) On those two planets, production could advance with little threat of being detected. Do tell me if you plan to set up production there.

Kill all that you wish. Show no mercy.

My apprentice Darth MAUL will be joining you on Naboo. He will be overseeing this invasion. You have made several mistakes that I was fortunately able to correct. I can afford no more mistakes. He will see to it that you make no more. Maul will keep his cloak on, so that stunted slime, Rune Haako, will not see his horns.

You say that you were negotiating with a system that was considering breaking away from the Republic? Please do tell me more about this. I am most interested.

As soon as she arrives on Coruscant, I will deal with her appropriately. Do not worry about it. Just concentrate on securing the planet.

Darth Sidious


	22. Note 22 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

To the esteemed Lord Sidious,

My dear Lord Sidious, I am so very sorry. I arrived back from my hylo golf tournament (with customers who could the cause of course) to find that doo doo head, Rune Haako responding to this letter. He was typing 'Tell Darth Mall I said thank ewe for everything' and I knew who the culprit for all the bad blood between us was. He now has lumps at the top of his head but you can never tell because of the silly hats we wear to lull our clients into a false sense of security before we scam them. I am so humiliated. I will give you a more indepth letter later, but I am so terribly sorry.

Please forgive,  
your humble servant,  
Nute Gunray.


	23. Note 23 Sidious

Note 23

Nute Gunray and Rune Haako,

You idiots! When I ask you questions, I expect you to answer my questions. WHAT IS GOING ON ON NABOO, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ANSWER MY QUESTIONS FROM LAST TIME.

What are you doing having a golf tournament? You are to be overseeing an invasion. You said that you were with customers who could help the cause. What are you talking about? The only thing you should be worrying about right now is invading Naboo. Concentrate on other interests later.

Has my apprentice Darth MAUL arrived yet? He will hold you in line until you can get back to me.

I appreciate you for punishing Rune Haako. However, if he gets out of line again, I will hold you personally responsible.

I could care less about your personal scams. I want you to CONCENTRATE ON THE NABOO INVASION. Do I make myself clear?

Darth Sidious, a SITH LORD


	24. Note 24 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

To the esteemed, worshipful Lord Snideous,

Dearest bestest master,

We have enlisted the aid of some very nice people who we believe you will definitely appreciate. They are called Genosians, and they are with whom I, Newt Gunray have been playing golf with. Now what is this I hear about your esteemed apwentice Darth Mall. Now I am mewly a lying weaZl and Rune Haako is beautiful, and intelligent, and smart, and has a lovely singing voice. Just like you. And I am gwad that your sith will be wearing a cape over his head. Because they are so so scary... to RUne Hakko. Of corse. Now can he cook? You never get an apwentice that coooookz. and I am hungry. Nabooians eat diets of fruit, nutz and berrEs and that is not for us Nemoidians. How are ewe? I hope you are fine. I hope you show those jedi what for. As long as idiot congwessman like Chancellor Valorum and Senator Palpatween are in office we are sure to succeed in swindlin' the we-publick.

YOur humble servant,  
Newt GunWAY,  
and Rune Haako

Part 2

Most honorable Lord Sidious,

I came back from a dinner with the Genosians (they are the potential clients for our great cause) to find the hologram stated a sent message to me from Coruscant. I did not however find it so the computer is never wrong, thus I can only grovel and ask you to please repeat whatever message that was. I do hope Rune hasn't been checking the messages, he somehow managed to bribe his guard to let him out of his room. He won't submit to his time out. He's getting me into too much trouble. I am ashamed of him. I hope your apprentice has succeded in his mission to apprehed the queen, there were two mass killings on the streets of Naboo in the past week. I will elaborate on them further. I have just heard an explosion in the kitchen. RUne is cooking something.

Your lowly servant,  
Nute Gunray.


	25. Note 25 Sidious

Note 25:

Response from Sidious Part 1 and 2

Nute Gunray,

I see that Rune Haako cannot be trusted in the least. Therefore, all further communication will be specifically sent to you. I do not have the time or patience to respond to what you just said at the present. However, I will resent my previous message. See to it that that stunted slime never accesses your messages again.

Resend of message:

Nute Gunray and Rune Haako,

You idiots! When I ask you questions, I expect you to answer my questions. WHAT IS GOING ON ON NABOO, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ANSWER MY QUESTIONS FROM LAST TIME.

What are you doing having a golf tournament? You are to be overseeing an invasion. You said that you were with customers who could help the cause. What are you talking about? The only thing you should be worrying about right now is invading Naboo. Concentrate on other interests later.

Has my apprentice Darth MAUL arrived yet? He will hold you in line until you can get back to me.

I appreciate you for punishing Rune Haako. However, if he gets out of line again, I will hold you personally responsible.

I could care less about your personal scams. I want you to CONCENTRATE ON THE NABOO INVASION. Do I make myself clear?

Darth Sidious, a SITH LORD

PS Sigh….do not bother to reply to this until I have replied to the messages you have just sent. You have displeased me greatly. - Sidious


	26. Note 26 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

Most honorable Lord Sidious,

I have checked the outword recordings of all sent messages and I am aghast at what has been done by that doo doo head, Rune Haako. Such malicious behaviour will not go unpunished. He will have no dessert privileges for a month! He loves cake and this will break his heart, dearly. Now recently a Statesmen Mor Dunnis stood on the steps to the Palaace and shouted out to the people in an attempt to raise a rebellion. But his speech barely lasted a minute. Droids shot him before he could get to the good part. It was quite funny. I am sending you the hologram but since Rune was recording the whole thing the sound didn't come out properly. So I am also sending you the transcript of the speech:

"My fellow Nabooians! How long will you stand idly in the streets, buy from your vendors, live your life beneath the shackle of Federation brutality?! How long will you and you, brother, and you sister, do nothing while our children die and our cities burn. Twelve hundred years did rise our people to fight against the tyranny that held them bound then. Now we are more than we were then and we have within our selves a power greater than any Federation star ship or droideka's laser. We have the spirit of a nation within our flesh! We have love of liberty. We have our children's hungry faces looking up at us. People are dying yet they choose to die in vain, not fighting for their freedom as possible. Not striving to go on and pick up the stones that litter these street to hurl them at Droid battle tanks rather than give up a liberty so dearly got. Where is our queen? She is gone. She is off where, perhaps she has deserted us, perhaps not. Perhaps it was a mistake to let a little girl hold in her hand the reigns of power to govern the once bright future of our dear planet. But this is abundantly clear my brethren, we do not need a queen. Not when the human fire that molds within us burns, not when the hammer of liberty beats upon the anvil of our hearts demanding justice! We are more than droid and metal. We are more than the cowardly Nemoidians who hide pitifully in their ships above the planet, unwilling to face the wrath of an angry mob. They're cowards all of them! But we are no cowards. We are Nubians. Nubians, my brothers! Nubians, my sisters! We are not like these cold, passive droids with iota of feeling within their metal breasts. We have hearts in our chests, independant thought. Feelings! Have you no sense of justice anymore, my people? Be you content to stand idly by while all things die?! Fie! Fie, I say! I take this step knowing I could well die today, I stand here upon these palaace steps knowing that in the next passing minute I could be gun down and my young daughter will be left alone. To fend alone. Die alone. Yet I have raised within her a sense of freedom that she will defend at her young age to her dying breath. And it takes but one to stand and say, "I defy thee!" to these false conquerors before the tide can be ushered in to wash away these criminal tradesmen. Thus I say my people, fight! Fight until your dying brea---"

Here the droids shot him. No, your apprentice is not here yet. Was he at all successful in his mission. Surely he was, you Sith fail at nothing.

Your humble servant,  
Nute Gunray


	27. Note 27 Sidious

Note 27

Rune Haako,

You are an idiot, and a poor excuse for a leader of any group of sentient beings. You are therefore never again allowed to handle messages, under pain of death. And may I remind you that I do stick to my death promises.

Leave the Genosians to Nute Gunray. You have lied to me. I knew the moment I read the correspondence that you sent that it was you, Rune Haako, and not Rune Gunray that sent the correspondence. You do not even know how to spell his name, or other words. It was painfully obvious that only an idiot like you would send a message such as that to me, a Dark Lord of the Sith.

You are pathetic, and I never want to hear from you again. I warn you, my apprentice, Darth Maul, will uncover his head and then swiftly end your life should you make another mistake.

In the future you will receive your reward…

Darth Sidious, Sith Master

Part 2

Nute Gunray,

You are to ensure that Nute Gunray never again gets the opportunity to send me a communication. If he does, it will be his death.

So you have met with the Geonosians? Very good. A friendship with them will be most beneficial to us.

I am sure that you are aware that my apprentice, Darth Maul, has arrived on Naboo. He tells me he is keeping the invasion in line now. Very good.

I wish for an update on the invasion. Wonderful. Two mass killings on the street…progress has surely been made. You stated that you would elaborate on these killings; please do so now.

Darth Sidious

Part 3

Nute Gunray,

I trust that you will punish Rune Haako for what he has done? You can handle that. If you cannot, my apprentice will become involved.

Now that Lord Maul has arrived, I also trust that you have been able to keep the masses controlled?

The hologram of the shooting was quite entertaining. Thank you for sending it to me. You have done well. See to it that this man's daughter is killed along with his entire family. Resistance will not be tolerated.

As a precaution, kill all that can be identified as attending that speech. I assume you also have a copy of the transcript. Use that to identify those that have defied the invasion.

Being on Coruscant, I heard there was a special session of the Senate that was to address Naboo's situation. I do not know whether you have heard from your own Senators, so allow me to enlighten you. I would like to inform you that all has been taken care of in the Senate. Queen Amidala arrived on Coruscant, and there was a Special session of the Senate, which Supreme Chancellor Valorum called to order.

The Senator from Naboo, Senator Palpatine, was immediately recognized by the Supreme Chancellor. He stated that Naboo was being invaded by the oppression of the Trade Federation. (I'm sure your own Senators have already told you this.) The Trade Federation Senators, of course, objected to this. The Supreme Chancellor continued to recognize the Naboo Senator. Queen Amidala was then presented before the Senate, and she started speaking.

The Trade Federation Senators interrupted once again, and asked for a commission be sent to the planet to "ascertain the truth." The Senators from Malastare agreed with them, and the action was stopped.

I was very pleased to learn of this…that you have gathered allies in the Senate. Your Senators were able to stop any action in the Senate…very good. This will certainly work to our advantage…

I also heard that Queen Amidala has decided to go back to Naboo. I gather that she is going to plan for some kind of battle. She is of course very foolish to think she could go against us. When she arrives, I want you to kill her and everyone she is with. I want you to wipe them all out.

I hope you have adequately prepared for her arrival. From your last report, it certainly sounds as if you have. Make sure you give me a full report of the events to unfold.

Did you capture the Gungans yet?

I would say Queen Amidala will have quite a surprise when she returns to Naboo. (evil laugh)

Yes, well as I tried telling you before, I do have certain connections with the Senate…connections that will guarantee our situation. I know some important people in the Senate.

As I said before, your work with your Senators was excellent. I was very appreciative of the fact that they suggested a committee to investigate, and that an ally agreed with them.

That is all I have to say at this time.

Darth Sidious


	28. Note 28 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

Re: Part 2

Most esteemed Lord Sidious,

I have indeed sufficiently punished Rune Haakko. Did I mention in my last correspondence that he has no dessert privileges for a month? Well, that doo doo head nearly ruined everything with the Genosians. Dunderhead! Will he never learn? I am not sure I like these Genosian people, they are too violent in the most impossible circumstances. The reason I returned so early to see Rune replying to your messages last time was that the Genosians thought the golf clubs were combat sticks and proceeded to beat each other up until bored and then lynched and ate the caddy. Poor Hookum. At any rate, that apprentice of yours despite what he says is not here. Far be it from me to say he is LYING, as you Sith would never lie to each other. No way. But he is not here. There is a blockade around the planet too thick for anyone to arrive undetected and noone has been informed of a Sith's arrival. I eagerly await your response,  
your humble servant,  
Rune Haako.

RED ALERT:

Most esteemed Dark Mighty Darth Sidious,

RUNE HAAKO = DOO DOO HEAD! That dungybo has ruined everything. When we had a final meeting in order to decide whether or not the Genosians would be willing to work with us, Rune came in having just worked on a model of one of our federation ships. However it was not a complete model. Instead it was just the ball shaped center of our ship and he tried to throw it at me while I was pointing at various aspects on a projector in a holo point presentation to the Genosians of the benefits of helping us. He missed. It landed smack on the projector smashing it, and thus making countless hours ruined! Then to make matters worse, I see Rune Haako hiding behind a flower pot (he's seven feet, that teeny thing couldn't possibly hide all of him that doo doo brain!) and I make him come out and tell him to apologise. Instead he says that one of these days he'll get me and that he has a whole collection of balls just like that one, and one of these days he's going to install lasers in the middle of them. Then instead of having the outer coverings that our space stations have around them, HIS station will just be a great big black ball shooting lasers. And it will be the size of a small moon and he'll use it to destroy my condo. The nerve of him! And he intends to call it the Ball of Doom or something. Anyway, during our argument the Genosians start getting very excited. I notice they start taking notes, finally they all start jumping up and down with excitement and I think they have to relieve themselves. I direct them to the bathrooms and instead they say they have to go as they just thought up a way to blow things up (that is ALL THEY THINK ABOUT!)and they leave. I think the deal is off. That Rune has done it again! No more holovision privileges for him either. Ever.

Your humble servant who is feeling very blue right now, both literally and figuratively,  
Nute Gunray.

Re: PART TWO

To the awesome persona Lord Sidious,

Forgive my stupidity my Lord. I forgot to elaborate on the mass killings (Dumb Nute!) that have taken place. I will do so now. There have been several instances. A crowd of Nubians crying out over the slaughter of that politician rallied in front of the palaace two weeks back. They would not go back when we sent battle droids with the message: Disperce. So we called in the Tanks. AHST's came in and rolled over them, crushing many, many ran and were shot down. Over two hundred people were killed and now the city smells with the stench of the dead and dying. That is the result of Rune Haako being made Chief of City Clean Up. I make the dumbest appointments at two in the morning. Why do I do this? I must fire him. I've ordered the city's clean up myself. Two nights back there was an assasination attempt upon my life. A bounty hunter came after me and Rune. I told Rune to protect me, crept to my room and dived under the bed...er...went for help. Of course Rune being the coward that he was told him where I was in order to save himself. Ha! The bounty hunter shot Rune in the head and that is the end of him...I wish! That bounty hunter missed at point blank range. He says he was only trying to shoot between Rune's ears (they are practically non existant we, Nemoidians have small coin sized ear holes)to scare him, and there is a hole in the wall right by Rune's head (if he tells the truth he is a greater shot then our droids. But that's not saying much, our droids are terrible thanks to our having a too small budget for them. *hint* *hint*)Rune fainted but now we have the bounty hunter in our custody as then he was overwhelmed by droiddekas. He says he is the great Jango Fett. Personally I think he's batty. Should I kill him? Also, did you know that there is another riot going on out side the city. I am tired of the whole thing and have sent tanks to just kill them. I'm sick of this. I'm just sick of the whole thing. I have a headache but the pharmaceutical part of the palace is filled with rebels who have locked the doors and blast anyone who come within two yards. They refuse to negotiate for aspirin! I hate Nubians.

your humble servant,  
Nute Gunray

P.S. I read the note you sent to Rune (I hope you don't mind. I wasn't entirely sure you actually meant for Rune to see it as he is so slippery and Rune is so tricksy.)Do you want him to reply to your note?

P.P.S. Lord Maul arrives in the morning. He apparently got lost.

Re: Part three

To the honorable Lord Sidious,

I am very hurt to find out that after all Rune has done he is going to recieve a reward. I read that last part of that letter you sent him. Don't accuse me of snitching, please Lord Sidious, Rune was doing a little dance about the place and shoved the note in my face. "Soon you will recieve your reward!" he kept on laughing. That makes me mad. I told him that you meant that you were actually lieng to us and were planning to kill us when you were all done and that shut him up for about five minutes and then he started doing that dance all over again making a little song. "Soon you will recieve your word!" Sung to the tune of that pop song Gungans on the Lake. I am so hurt. I want some of this reward what ever it is. In fact. I want twice what Rune gets because I do twice the work! Dammit I want what's coming to me. As in riches and wealth and all that sort of thing that you promised us when you got us to invade this place in the first place! Now that that little rant is over, I must give you good news. The Genosians came back today and they have agreed to join us! How wonderful hmm? And they took Rune's idea of the Ball of Doom but they said that was a stupid name. They want to call this space station ...get ready... a DEATH STAR! It'll be so powerful it will destroy a planet! A PLANET! This is perfect for the Federation. Nobody has been buying our products lately. This Death Star will be a fab marketing campaign. BUY NEMOIDIAN SOAP OR WE'LL BLOW YOU UP! I love it. Rune began purchasing the cutest little bumper stickers to plaster all over the station but I had to go breaking his heart telling that stupido that THEY'RE TO SMALL TO BE SEEN FROM SPACE ON A MOON SIZED THINGYMABOBBER! Anyway. I do not want bumper stickers going on where I plan to put a huge neon green Trade Federation Logo. It's going to be wonderful. There will be a huge view screen where people can watch their enemies planets get blown up. And Rune will sell popcorn! It'll be great. The Genosians and I celebrated the agreement with another round of holo golf with Rune as the ball! I don't know if I have ever enjoyed holo golf so much in all my life. So everything is agreed except the leader Poggle the Lesser doesn't want to have anything to do with you. I'm sorry. He says that he doesn't trust employers who won't come to deal with him personally and the Genosians do not have a financial backer. At anyrate I'm sorry to say they will not be staying in time to see Darth Maul. That's somewhat intentional on my part because I'm well aware of the reputation of that shadowy sith assasin as he has several fearsome aliases and I don't want either part (the Genosians or Maul) to start anything to ruin our agreement. So they're leaving right after tea. I still can't get over what they did to poor Hookum, that caddy. They hate him! I am almost positive his family will complain. I was dumb enough to give that chicken a retirement plan! Oh that looks like them now walking up the walkway. One moment please...

Ah now I'm back. That mother space hen told me its hard enough raising six chicks with a lazy no good husband but now that space chicken daddy has bit the dust (or should I say the Genosians bit him for lunch) what is a mother hen to do?And she expected me to take care of them. ALL OF THEM! And landed a few chicken bombs at my hat! So I told them not to worry and that all their problems are over. Nute Gunray always delivers on his promises. Inclosed with this message I am sending you some tasty wings. I will write later telling you of the arrival of Lord Maul (who obviously is not here yet) in a little bit. I still don't know why he told why he was here overseeing the invasion when he's not.

Sincerely yours,  
your humble servant who is unworth to kiss your shoes (if you wear them. I can't tell because of those big robes you wear)  
Nute Gunray

P.S. I want my reward!

P.P.S. I know you wanted me to kill that little girl and her family, please don't hate me for this, but Rune wanted them to suffer first and made them watch his entire holodvd collection of BUDDIES about a bunch of idiot friends starring JleNiFUR Annisten and Prad Shmitt. Rune hates that show. I'd bought that season 5 set to punish him. Would you believe that it was that girl's favorite show? And after just pointlessly wasting time showing it to that brat I found out I couldn't kill her because she has a modeling contract and can't get out of it. The modeling contractors are stock holders in the Trade Federation. CLIENTS! Forgive me Lord Sidious. Tell you what I will do though, I am making sure that she models very hot Wookie fur coats in a hundred degree weather. That will make her suffer! Ha ! Ha! Go Trade Federation.


	29. Note 29 Sidious

Note 29

Nute Gunray of the Trade Federation,

Do not play games with me. I have been corresponding with my apprentice, Darth Maul, and I assure you that he has arrived on Naboo. He sent me footage. I warn you not to cross me. I am a Sith Lord, and you must never forget this.

I will not tolerate Rune Haako's behavior. You are to either keep him under control, or kill him. I don't care about your methods of restraining Haako, as it would appear they have failed to work. You told me about the no dessert privileges, but I don't have time to listen to your nonsense.

Hold back and do nothing more with the Geonosians until I give my approval. You are to cancel any meetings with them until further notice. I appreciate your work with them; you have done well. However, I wish to be a part of this planning process. I have my own designs, and the events must proceed according to my specific plans. This Death Star idea is interesting, though do not pursue it yet. I will provide a contact, and a leader for your Trade Federation/Geonosian group. This is of far greater galactic importance than I will allow you to handle alone. I will notify you once my contact is available. I have other issues that I am currently occupied by. The contact may, and probably will be Darth Maul, so do not do anything foolish. Again, I will take it from here. Concentrate on the current invasion.

Do me a favor and stop referring to Rune Haako as a "doo doo head." While this may be true, it is annoying me. In fact, you may stop calling him names and insulting him. I already know he is an idiot and that he has made several mistakes.

Your tales are amusing to me, but do not forget that you have an invasion to deal with at present. DO NOT FORGET THIS.

Thank you for informing me of the mass killings. Good work.

I know of Jango Fett, and in fact he has already done some work for me. I am going to employ him for another project in the works. Jango Fett is none of your concern. I am using him for my own purposes. No, no…do NOT attempt to kill Jango Fett. As I said, I have my own plans regarding him.

Check your deposit account in the bank. I have arranged that more funding will be provided for your droid army.

NO, I DO NOT WANT RUNE HAAKO TO EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. As I have said before, I do not want to see that stunted slime again. He is to have no correspondence with me.

It is more than sufficient for you to rely any message to him through you.

Do not concern yourself with the reward that I have promised Rune. You shall get your fair share of it as well. I just had never mentioned it to you before. Because I do not mention something does not mean that I do not have it in the works. You will receive it all in good time, as will Rune. I may arrange it so that you receive twice as good a reward as Rune. You will have what is coming to you; I promise.

Hold onto these ideas you have for the Death Star until later. Have copies available for my apprentice, once this Trade Federation invasion is over. Include all of your ideas, including the large viewing area for people to watch planets get destroyed.

Do not worry; your group will not deal with me directly. Do not attempt to flatter me. My apprentice is not well known as a Sith assassin. If he were, the Jedi would have been after him long ago. He has been protected from Jedi detection, as he was protected from any sort of attention with the general population.

I have boots. That should be a sufficient reply for you.

Your treatment of the girl sounds adequate, though I wish you would kill her. Ah well.

NOW CONCENTRATE ON THE INVASION, AND LET ME KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON.

It has been brought to my attention that Queen Amidala has landed on Naboo now.

I have also heard that she plans to put up a resistance, in the form of an army. They should have landed on Naboo by now.

Have you sent out patrols or located their ship? What have they found? You will want to look in places such as swamps and woods, as they will want to remain hidden.

If she does assemble an army, then I must say that this is an unexpected move for her. It's too aggressive. When you find her, either force her to sign the treaty, or better yet, dispose of her.

She is more foolish than I thought. What is the situation? I have also heard from a reliable source that Amidala has assembled some kind of army made of natives? Is that true? I want you to wipe them out…show the Republic what the Trade Federation is made of.

Are you sending more troops to meet them?

If all of what I have heard is true, this will work to our advantage. You have my approval to proceed in battle. Wipe them out, all of them.

Do you have any idea where Amidala might be right now?

I have sent my apprentice, Darth Maul, to Naboo, I understand that he has arrived. (And as I said before, I have confirmation of his landing). See to it that he receives the proper accommodations. I have heard that the Queen plans to enter the palace…I do not know what she thinks she will accomplish by doing that, but you must be prepared. Make sure you have plenty of battle droids surrounding the planet, and droid dekas waiting for them. If they should be able to get past those…have Darth Maul waiting behind the closed door that separates the hanger from the main part of the Naboo palace. That shall be a surprise for them. Heh, heh, heh. (more evil laughing.)

I anxiously await your next report.

Darth Sidious


	30. Note 30 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

To the most esteemed Darth Sidious,

First of all I am so glad that I am getting what is coming to me, and twice as much as Rune. So, so glad. Anyway, no matter what Darth Maul told you he did NOT arrive yet until earlier on today and I am sending you the footage from the landing cameras to prove it. There. See? It is very possible to already tapping in to the main control cameras at the Holo Feed Satteilites in space and relay them to another planet without even being on Naboo! He could have been sitting enjoying nice sun in a tropical planet while relaying you feed and you'd never know the difference! Honestly. Anyway. There is the feed. You see Darth Maul arriving on the planet. I know without a doubt he was arriving just today because I have the marks on my bum to prove it.

Anyway, about your apprentice, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE CARRY SO MUCH BAGGAGE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I thought you sith lords always travel light. So I go to him and I say to Darth Maul, "Welcome to Naboo, Lord Maul. I trust you will enjoy your visit." And Darth Maul just looks at me with those beady eyes of his.  
It gives me the willies just thinking about it. Anyway, he hardly said anything until the porters-droids came to get his luggage and then he seemed to automatically come to life. "Gently! Gently! That's fragile!" I didn't have to time to mention the discrepancies in our letters yet until later on but when I did I said to him: 'With all respect, my lord. Lord Sidious is saying that you have arrived on the planet already and yet you arrive just today. What do I say to him? Do I tell him you've just arrived?' and he says, "Don't you worry about Sidious. When my mission is complete and I return to Coruscant I'll take care of HIM. Which made Rune say, "Oh how thoughtful," but I assured him that no matter how old you are, you are not QUITE an invalid yet. Hanging together rather well, you are. Anyway, Rune says that if you are getting rather up in years he'll help you out. Included with this transmission are various magazines for scenic routes, beautiful trees, flowers, where loved ones can go and lay flowers on your...on second thought RUNE HAAKO IS A ...oops, you don't want to hear me say that. Or read it for that matter. Heh, heh.

Anyway, though Lord Maul said that he was very anxious to catch up on the invasion on Naboo as he was going to have to make a report to you later on that evening. So I show him about the place and then Lord Maul tells me off the record that you had wanted him to see about that I've promised to show him later on. But that's when the accident happened. You see those porter droids were severely lessened in number do to some of them being irrrepareabley destroyed in our last confrontation with the Jedi. So Rune was helping and then all of a sudden he drops the suitcase carrying Lord Maul's double lightsaber. So Lord Maul nearly swoons and gives a strangled cry (I never knew he had such a high, soprano voice when he screams. Can this be why he doesn't talk much?) and then runs forward and grabs his suitcase. Apparently he'd taken it apart after some fight on some desert planet with a Qui-Gon Gin fellow (beer representative? I know you sith like to drink) and hadn't put it back together yet and now one of the crystals was smashed. He was very angry with Rune and I had to offer him money to let him go off a force hold. Oh dear. He wasn't very happy when I informed him later on that do to parts of the palace being sealed off because of blaster damage, he and Rune would have to share a room.

Anyway, over dinner (which was fruits and vegetables due to the vegan tendecies of these nubians fools) Darth Maul was very excited about the new speeder bike that he'd gone and tried out on Tatooine (wherever THAT is) and was all eager to ride it through Naboo. I asked him whether he should be concentrating on the invasion and he looked very mad for a moment but then he calmed down and nodded slowly. He doesn't talk much. But he has these beautiful baby yellow eyes and a lovely singing voice. And he also has a nasty temper did you know. He kept seething about the political fools and how he'd like to strangle Senator Palpatine. And then we cracked jokes on Senator Palpatine for the last half hour. Rune was so happy to hear that Darth Maul could in fact cook. This vegan diet is beggining to toll on him. Not to mention Darth Maul who kept scowling at his place before he informed me that irridians or whatever his people is called (did I get that right?) are carnivores.

And then Rune had to go and ask Darth Maul whether he really had horns as the rumors say (Maul had had his hood on the entire time just like you said he would. Thank you very much) but then Lord Maul said "Oh you mean THESE horns," and took his hood off. Poor Rune fell into a swoon which reminds me, I have to negotiate with those rebels in the pharmaceutical part of the wing (can you believe they still haven't been blasted out of there?) for more smelling salts. Lord Maul has been so angry since he's got here except for a few moments where he's laughed (mostly at the sight of starving people in the streets. that always cheers him up) and then he demanded to see that girl. So we go about the city looking for her and would you believe that she never left the torture chamber?! She was still watching BUDDIES! Who in Hookum's name gave her popcorn? Anyway, Darth Maul was very stern with her her and told her he had some questions to ask her concering rebel plans but she told him to go sit on a pin because she was watching the holo-telly. So finally Darth Maul in a fit of rage slumps down on the coach , down right beside her and watches all the episodes of season six. And then he cried when Chandelier finally got together with Phlebe! I have never seen a sith lord so sensitive.

Now anyway, five hours later and we're still watching the show and I'm feeling really guilty because 1. I hate this show! and 2. That invasion is not going to just invade itself and 3. he is the apprentice of my boss so how do I tell Darth Maul he has to get amove on. But finally the popcorn runs out and Maul gets hungry and turns off the holo-telly and tells the girl that you wanted him to interrogate her. Where are the rebels hiding? he asks . The girl won't tell him. So Darth Maul threatens to go kill the actors on BUDDIES if she won't cooperate. The girl responds that the show gets worse after season seven anyway, so Darth Maul left the planet for a few hours to make good on his promise. When he got back he was in a very bad mood because the producers already got some people from Kamino to clone replacements so season nine is coming on the air right on schedule.

Did I mention that Darth Maul is a carnivore? That night when he had to share a room with Rune there was trouble. Rune didn't want to lie on the top bunk because he didn't want Darth Maul to stab him in the back with a lightsaber while Rune was asleep and Darth Maul didn't want to take the bottom because Rune is quite possibly to heavy for the top bunk and if he falls on Darth Maul he'll crush him. Darth Maul is so tiny.

And Darth Maul was in a very bad mood after hours of flying on a pointless mission, and hungry, and he REFUSES to eat the Naboo fare of nuts and berries and fruit and veggies. He is a carnivore. "I wan't meat, dammit!" he screamed and grabbed his lightsaber (which he had fixed by the way and went prowling throughout the palace on a hunt). Now Rune's hamster is missing I'm very concerned. Rune won't stop crying and Lord Maul has this awful pleased look on his face. More on Naboo later,

Nute Gunray.

P.S. Did you know that the Gungans are invading? They are expected in two days. I think the Queen is behind this.

P.P.S. Lord Maul does not want to hide behind the hangar bay because he'll get claustrophobic.

P.P. S. You must make your apprentice stop telling my associate Rune (who I can't kill by the way because I wrote asking Mumsy for permission and she won't let me. She says to tell you to sit on a pin but I would never say anything like that to your face as that's impolite and quite rude. Go figure.) terrible stories about how if he doesn't find meat he'll have to kill Rune and eat him. He made the poor lad (who is NOT a stunted slime because he's seven feet) wet the bed.

P.P.S.S. Can you send a hamster, please? I am so glad to hear that you wear boots.


	31. Note 31 Sidious

Note 31

Nute Gunray, Viceroy of the Trade Federation,

Good. I am pleased that the promise of reward delights you. Do keep this in the back of your mind, as should you disappoint me, your reward shall be less glorious.

Do not insult my intelligence. I am also aware that you could have taped Darth Maul's landing at his actual landing, when he said he arrived, and told me that it was later. Editing is also possible, causing a feed to appear to be taped at another time or date. I very much doubt that my apprentice had the time to visit a tropical planet. He had been on Tatooine.

My apprentice's baggage is none of your concern. Your attention should be placed on the immanent battle, and on what Queen Amidala is doing.

You had better be reporting truthfully when you stated that Darth Maul said he would take care of me. If I find out that you invented those lines, you will pay dearly. If true, you have proven very useful. When he arrives on Coruscant, he will have a surprise.

For your information, I am 45 years old. I thank you for your apparent thoughtfulness. I have a…bad cold, yes, and that is what Darth Maul was referring to. I am nowhere near death yet, I assure you.

Do not be ridiculous. When has Darth Maul had the time to sit through hours and hours of the TV show "Buddies" and kill off the original actors? This is, of course, unless Queen Amidala and her people are slower than I had thought. It was my understanding that the battle would be taking place at any moment.

You idiot, Qui-Gon Jinn is the Jedi that was sent by the Supreme Chancellor to talk with you at the beginning of the invasion. He is no beer representative. However, occasionally I do drink. That is none of your concern either.

You are wrong….my apprentice will NOT share a room with Haako. You are to do that. Darth Maul is a Sith Lord, and he must have his own room. Do not worry. His stay on Naboo will only be as long as the battle. He may not have to sleep at all.

You do not need to know where Tatooine is. I happen to know, but it is none of your concern at the moment.

Of course he has a "nasty temper." He is a Sith Lord. He occasionally sings Sith Victory Songs that I have taught him. I am aware of his singing abilities. Darth Maul is aware of Palpatine, and I think his view on Palpatine is very different than you might imagine. I am aware that you would like to insult Palpatine, as he tried to act against your Senators in the Senate session. Do not use your dislike of the former Senator (now Supreme Chancellor) to put words in my apprentice's mouth.

Yes, Darth Maul can cook, but I doubt he will cook for you much longer….unless of course you work very hard on the upcoming battle. You can share in a victory dinner with him.

What? You left the little girl unguarded? Fools! Of course…I do not know how reliable your tales have been. They are entertaining, but entertainment is not what I am looking for. I want results!

I am aware of Kamino and their cloners. If you know what is good for you, you will shut up on that subject. You are to forget the planet exists, do you understand me? Do not mention the operations or even the name of the planet to another being, or you will find yourself very disappointed….your reward will be far less than what you anticipate.

Darth Maul is NOT tiny, you idiot. He is the size of a tall and very well trained human Jedi.

It is of no concern to me what my apprentice was said to have done with Rune's hamster. That is your own problem.

If the invasion took a couple of days before it started, Queen Amidala is certainly slower than I thought. That would be typical of armies. They must have had to practice fighting, the strategies, and must have needed to get into formation. Ah well…it pleases me to learn that the battle will take place shortly.

Do not lie to me. I have also contacted Lord Maul, and he agreed to wait behind the hangar bay, and he is most certainly not claustrophobic. You may be, but he is not. Do not assign your traits to him. Besides that, the hangar bay is hardly a small space.

Rune Haako is not seven feet tall. You don't know how to measure if you think he's that tall. That would make him taller than most humans. From the recordings of him, he did not appear that tall to me.

I should care less if Lord Maul were to eat Rune. In fact, that may solve many problems for us. Oh did Rune wet the bed? Too bad…that is your problem. Deal with it.

No, I will not send a hamster. You deal with that problem yourself.

I expect to hear updates on the Naboo situation.

Darth Sidious

PS I have it on good authority that the battle has already begun. The Queen has made her way to the palace, I understand? What is the situation?


	32. Note 32 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

Oh Most Esteemed, Honorable, Supreme, Lord Sidious,

What ever shall I do? I'm stuck here on a planet with morons for help, in the same planet as a trigger happy Sith Lord and an annoying bed wetter who is also a you know what.

First of all, how can you say I am attempting to mislead you? If you cannot rely on me to be telling you the truth about the simple truth of a sithlord landing, then how can you rely on me to actually lead an invasion on the planet. Come to think of it. You don't rely on me. Otherwise you wouldn't have sent the sith lord here, but remember my franchise has spent countless septillions to get supposedly top of the line droids and still they break so easily! Its a wonder they can even walk! And what happens when we have the planet entirely under our domain? What then? We have recieved news that that poo brained Senator Palpatine is becoming the new Chancellor. That is very bad. Rune sat in the corner all day with a pillow case over his head and wouldn't talk to anybody when he heard the news. And me, I went to bed with a head ache. That was two days when we found out. Now however things are getting far too serious for me to have time to retire to my bed now.

Speaking of beds. First of all, in response to your saying that I must share a room with Rune HAAKO. WHOSE BUNK DO YOU THINK DARTH MAUL IS SLEEPING ON? The Rebels who are still holed up in that pharmaceutical section of the palace (still there,can you believe it!) threatening to blast anybody who gets in range, have lovely nylon sleeping bags. But they won't negotiate for them! They're so mean. I hope they die. They'll have to run out of food soon. I know that. There's only so many edible vitamins on the pharmacy store's shelves.

Darth Maul however has a personal and in wanting those rebels to open up. Since being in the same room with Rune, he's taken to needing Ritalin to be able to function, otherwise he just swears in his sleep (which is very violent by the way, he tore up his mattress while having a very strange dream). Rune's nightlight had kept Darth Maul up half the night, but don't worry, all the problems with Darth Maul's sleeping accomodations are now at an end. After he woke up he said to Rune, that if he ever hears a certain slimy voice counting sheep beneath his bunk again, he'll take his lightsaber and then turn Mr. Counting Sheep into lamb chops. So Rune has agreed to sleep outside.

Its just as well by the way. Once Rune had found Lord Maul's diary (I didn't know you Sith kept them) and read everything he wrote in there including some dealings with you about us. Lord Maul would have never known that Rune had been reading it however until Rune leaned up from his bunk and asked, "What does exterminate mean?" Lord Maul says it's all a joke but I don't know what he's talking about. However, Rune has been searching but has been unable to find any more dealings in Lord Maul's diary.

And Darth Maul has lots of time on his hands right now, thank you very much. He's just waiting for that invasion, and it's very depressing that the Queen hasn't come up yet. Its really getting to him. So I did my dying, starving Nubian impression for him and he felt much better. And he's no longer watching Buddies thank you very much. He just can't stand that show anymore, that theme song can get stuck in your head. Its stuck in Rune's head. He went about humming it about the palace and when Darth Maul heard it, he howled and hit the roof. Now he's torn up the living furniture with his teeth and then jumped on Rune and made him eat the entire BUDDIES dvd collection. I don't care about that, but I liked that couch! You'll have to send a new one. That little girl is very upset with Darth Maul though. She nearly bit him, at least she tried but Darth Maul held her at arm's length and taunted her until she kicked him in the shins. Now he's on crutches. And no, she still can't get out of her modeling contract yet because of some stupid clause so we can't kill her until she's finished two years of modeling. But I make her employers give her the most ridiculous suits to wear. If I can't kill her, at least I can make her life miserable. And it makes Darth Maul so very happy.

And while we're on the subject of sending couches, it was very bad to not send that hamster by the way. My problem, huh? Well now it's your problem. Rune is on the war path. He told me in a very low tone this morning,"He will pay for eating the hamster of Rune *The Dude* Haako. Cuddles must be avenged!" So I am fearful that he will try something. I am going around the city so I am going to leave this message unfinished for a little bit while I take care of some errands, and then I will come back and give you full reports on any known doings of the Queen...

Oh, Cackasheenpatchki! What ever shall I do? This has been the most awful day. Well first I went about and took pictures of the city for new photos for Trade Federation Monthly, which we deliver to our clients across the galaxy. A starving Nubian here, a dead dog there, piles of money in my bank account. I'm just trying to show off the efficiency of Trade Federation no-how, that's all, and when I came back I found the entire palace in bedlam. First of all, while I was gone Darth Maul finally woke up from his long nap and went to take a shower. While he was in the shower singing (one of Sith battle songs that you have been speaking of, no doubt), Rune came and stole his clothes. And then he went and ran off cackling with Darth Maul's diary (how did he find that?) and yelled as he went, "Rune Haako strikes again!"

That made Lord Maul mad. He immediately threw on his towel and hopped out of the shower (he needs crutches so hopping is the best that he could do), and went to find his lightsaber. Rune had hidden it somewhere and went about the palace screaming out little tidbits from Darth Maul's diary. He was very interested because it had things about him in it. So he asked Lord Maul, "What does exterminate mean?" It's a good thing that Rune was at the other end of the hall when he asked Lord Maul this, otherwise he might no longer be with us. As it was, Lord Maul suddenly forgot that he needed crutches, weilded one of them like a battle club, and chased Rune all through out the palace in his towel, screaming, "Let me show you!"

When I arrived, I'd found poor Rune in yet another choke hold and had to offer Darth Maul more money to let him go. At first it wouldn't work. Darth Maul told me initially that no amount of mulah in the universe could be enough to make him give up the opportunity of ripping out Rune' throat. But when I threw in a hyper car wax for his new speeder and a date at the tatoo salon he let Rune go. I don't know why I look out for that ding bat. Rune is going to get me into trouble one day. More trouble than he already has.

So I give Maul his money but he's still upset, so thinking to cheer him up, I tell him of your message that because your so touched that he's going to take care of you, that you're arranging a surprise for him. Rune immediately pipes up (though gasping still, because he's trying to breath of course), "Surprises? Ooh I love surprises!" But Darth Maul's jaw drops and he says, "You told him that?" I don't know why he was so upset. If I had a suprise I'd be very happy. But when I said, "Doesn't that make you feel better?" he said to me, "I'm going to need more crystals for my lightsaber," and went off to find it. He's gotten it back by the way. He was too distressed to tell me what had happened at first but I found out and made Rune give it back (as well as his clothes and anything else he might have took from him). Did you know that your apprentice is heavily into Mascara? That explains those black swirls around his eyes.

By the way, I just realised you were being sarcastic about Darth Maul being able to cook? He finally says he can't, and that he was being sarcastic. Ooh you rascally Sith! I mean... *ahem* you make such great jokes.

Oh, and your apprentice is very short. He's short even for a human. He says that he's a little taller than Senator Palpatine (who he calls a midget. Who says I'm putting words in his mouth?) but not very tall. He's around 5'5. If he's lucky. And I went and measured Rune by Republic standards of measurements after being highly offended by your statement about my ability to measure, and while according to Orrulian Measurements, Rune is seven feet (and that is the measurements we go by) according to Republic Standard Measurements, he is 6'6. So he is still taller than most humans and is by no means a 'stunted slime'. Honestly, you've called him so much he's started writing that as his name on his tax returns. He's getting so confused. Poor Rune is not very bright. And if you don't realise that you're hologram was placed on a high floating pedestal so that we could look in the eyes (on account of our extreme height) then I can't help you. Lord Maul looked positively huge when we first saw him in that hologram. And when you told us you were sending him to us, Rune could only go, "The Sith Lord...here?" and then fainted. You seem to have that affect on people.

Yes, some locals are apparentl planning a rebellion. They are the Gun-gans. How the Queen got them to join her is something of a marvel. She must have posed for them for two minutes in a bathing suit to get them to join. I wish I could have been there. *Sigh* Anway, yes the Gungans are coming. No matter. That is no problem. We will deal with them as we would to unsatisfied customers. Blow them the hell up! Which reminds me. About that Death Star plan. WHy should we give it to you? You have nothing to do with it. You are simply hiring us to invade Naboo so that we'll be like those damned Marauders. Nothing more. If you wan't the patent for it you'll have to pay more money. Lot's more. Because right now we just want to deal with our friends the Genosians. As it is we barely contact them. But if you actually want to monitor our dealings with the Genosians (as you are a valued client), I will inform you of any proceedings with them that we might have. We (the Federation) won't be dealing with them much though. They like to be left to themselves.

And the battle, well...with the money you gave us recently we designed new prototype called a super battle droid. Unfortunately it will not be ready for the battle because there is not enough money yet. Saying you've sent sufficient money is all well and good. Actually sending it is something else entirely. I will write when the battle actually starts telling you what happens but in the mean time, don't say things like The Queen has made her way to the palace I undestand?' You'll scare Rune. And scaring Rune is a bad idea. I need him at the alert because he actually has some very good battle tactics in mind. Its impossible for us to lose against them for a reason I will explain in a moment. I've just recieved another message...

Ah. The challenge. The Gun-gans are in an open field marching towards the palace. I've given orders for a massive army of droids to be sent after them. How foolish of the Gun-gans to challenge us. I've sent out every single battle droid we have available except for the few that guard the palace to crush them. Now that we've sent out everbody the palace is a little unguarded. That might have been kinda stupid. Maybe. Darn its so hard recording under my bed! I am going to join Rune in the Palace Throne Room in a few minutes. I'll enjoy the view of the fight from there. We'll even be able to watch your apprentice hiding behind the main Hangar bay. He looks so cute in his new cloak. His eyes glow yellow from it. Rune says it makes him look scary.

Boom!

Oh dear, doubtless that explosion's sound will be recorded with this message. I'd better hurry down to the Throne Room. I will continue to dictate what happens from there if you would like me to. But you had better hurry. I have your permission to proceed then with the attack?

I am your humble servant,  
Nute Gunray

P.S. I must admit Rune's question has araised my curiosity. What does exterminate mean? Darth Maul wont tell us.

P.P.S. When as a last resort I buckled down and asked the girl what that meant, all she said was you're really stupid, you know that? The nerve of her! I will take her down to the throne room as well and make her suffer.

P.P.S.S.

This is very serious. One of the Queen's abandoned hand maidens came to me very upset. She says that your apprentice has misused her. I may have ordered the deaths of hundreds, but I do not like this. This is very bad. Please answer quickly. I await your reply in the throne room.


	33. Note 33 Sidious

Note 33

Nute Gunray, Viceroy of the Trade Federation,

I had nothing to do with your choice of help. You are the Leader of the Trade Federation, are you not? You could have replaced Rune Haako and whomever else you so desired. Do not blame me for your choice of team members.

I was only stating, Viceroy, that my apprentice had also given me assurances as to his landing time. I suppose this subject no longer matters. Darth Maul is on Naboo, and the battle is about to start, if it has not already. I do trust you, Viceroy, but at times the details of your carrying out of the plans are trying to me. What I said was also a warning to you. Do not attempt to cross the Sith.

As for something as important as the invasion, it was of such importance that I wished to send my apprentice to assure that everything was on track. Also, I have it on good authority that those two Jedi Knights that came as ambassadors earlier are also with Queen Amidala. You demonstrated your lack of ability to deal with Jedi Knights before, so I sent my apprentice to deal with them properly. He has been trained to destroy them, and he will not hesitate to do that job.

You are to worry about what happens when you have the planet under your dominion when you accomplish this. I will then guide you in the process. May I ask why you think it so very bad that Palpatine was elected the new Supreme Chancellor? I know he tried to discredit your Senators in the Senate, but is that the only reason?

Ah…now I understand your sleeping arrangements better. Well, Viceroy, the situation should be over soon, and that will no longer be a problem. As for the Rebels in the pharmaceutical section of the palace, they will die. I will see to that.

Darth Maul does have violent sleeping patterns. Being in the same room as you two idiots must have made the problem worse…or I would imagine so. It relieves me to know that your sleeping accommodation problems have been dealt with. You have done something right at least.

Yes, Sith keep diaries in order to see our progress, contemplate our dark thoughts, to plot and make plans, and keep records of our experience and training. RUNE HAAKO DARED TO READ LORD MAUL'S DIARY? I will have to give Maul another lecture on the importance of hiding the diary.

I have received reports from unnamed sources that the Queen may be in the palace now. I advise you to update me on details. In fact, I demand you to do so!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!

Fine, so Darth Maul had more time than I thought he did. What do I care. Your dying, starving Nubian impression must be quite something. I would like to see a recording of this. I would lighten my mood.

I have not heard from my apprentice recently. Has the battle begun? And what of the Jedi?

Fine…you want a new couch…I'll send you one…but only if you give me the updates on the battle. Good…make the girl's life miserable.

All right…fine…I'll send you a hamster so you shut up about it.

Rune and Lord Maul's interactions would sound humorous, were it not for the situation. Need I remind you that you are supposed to be preparing for battle?

YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE NOT TO MENTION MY SURPRISE TO MAUL. A SURPRISE ISN'T A SURPRISE IF YOU TELL THE PERSON.

I don't care whether he is into mascara or not, you idiot. If he wishes to wear it, so be it.

Of course I was being sarcastic about Darth Maul's cooking. I thought I would let you figure that out yourself.

Fine…you know how to measure by Republic standards…good for you. I am impressed.

Holograms are not always full height you know. How was I supposed to know what size you were using? I am not in charge of reception sizes.

Thank you for FINALLY GIVING ME SOME SORT OF UPDATE ON THE SITUATION. So the Gungans are coming for battle. You must wipe them all out…every one of them.

The Death Star plan could be used for the good of the galaxy. You are working for me, so I demand that you give me the plans. If you do, you will be helping out the entire galaxy, including your Trade Federation organization. With my help, you can make such a thing a reality. Without my help, I am afraid you will not have enough resources to make such a large battle station. I am prepared to buy the patent from you….name your price.

Yes, I would be very interested in monitoring your dealings with the Geonosians. Yes…yes….you have been most helpful in mentioning their group.

It is unfortunate that your new super battle droids will not be ready for the battle, but should the occasion arise in the future…in which they would be useful, you will then have them. This is worth it. I have sent you money. Did you forget how to check your own account at the local bank?

I could care less whether I scare Rune or not. I am reporting what I have heard from other sources, and I want an accurate description of the battle. Why do you say it is impossible to lose against them? You have not revealed this to me yet.

Good….excellent…..but I must say it was foolish of you to leave the palace unguarded. It matters little. Concentrate on the battle.

Yes…PLEASE dictate what is going on in the battle to me as the battle progresses.

As for the definition of exterminate…if Lord Maul won't tell you what it means, then that is your own problem. But because I am feeling nice…I'll tell you what it means….it means to take care of permanently.

As for the handmaiden that came to you and said Lord Maul misused her…do with her what you wish. Kill her if it would make you more comfortable…or ignore her. Whatever you feel like tolerating. If she becomes pregnant, kill her or the baby.

I DEMAND another update.

Darth Sidious


	34. Note 34 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

To the most esteemed, revered, feared, and awesome, Darth Sidious,

As I am recording this, lasers are zipping by my head. I don't know how you knew (oh well, yes I do. Foresight. You Sith are always foresighting things) but, there is a small group that has made it to the palace. And that beer salesman and his apprentice are among them. And they have lightsabers! And..oh well, I'll just send you the recordings of the confrontation.

This is the only known recording so far of the confrontation between Darth Maul and those two rascally Jedi that has the entire bit of what went on.

DATED 12:30 REPUBLICAN STANDARD TIME 4parsec5.9 TFR STANDART TIME

NG: How are you doing down there, Lord Maul?

DM: GRRR. *snarl* How long have I been standing behind this damn door?

NG: About an hour.

DM: Growr! RH: Well its absolutely stuffy in the throne room, and the hangar bay has air conditioning. I wanna go down!

NG: You can't go down.

RH: WHY NOT?! (whine)

NG: Lord Maul has business to take care of. Lord Sidious has requested that he stand behind that hangar door until the attack group comes by, and then pop out and fight them.

RH: Why?

NG: Because Lord Sidious knows best.

RH: Why? NG: *sigh* Its called the ELEMENT OF SURPRISE, Rune.

RH: What's that?

NG: *slaps face in exasperation* never mind.

DM: Its 12:30 isn't it?

NG: Why yes. Yes it is.

DM: Do you REALIZE I'm missing buddies?

NG: But Lord Maul, I thought you hate that show.

DM: When you're stuck out here in the middle of lala land, its that or drinking. And Sith aren't allowed to drink on the job. Mean old Sidious...(mumble,mumble) RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

NG: Well it seems your going to be busy now as the company has arrived. So we won't talk to you anymore, though we will continue to observe through the holo cameras.

RH: And don't forget! You're supposed to take care of us after you're done with the Jedi.

DM: Oh, I'm not. I'm looking forward to that. Very much.

NG: Oh, by the way. I'm sorry I told you about the surprise Lord Sidious is planning for you. He was very angry when he found out you knew.

DM: HE WHAT?! You told him I knew he was....tell you what. I'll take care of you even before I take care of my master. I'll practically kill you with attention!

NG: Oh, thank you, thank you.

DM: And RUNE, I have something extra special in mind for YOU.

RH: YAY!!!! (claps hands with glee)

NG: Rune you're distracting him.

THE HANGAR BAY DOORS RISE. A GROUP OF REBELS ARE SEEN. THE QUEEN, A GROUP OF SOLDIERS, AND THE JEDI. THEY SEE DARTH MAUL. THE TALLER OF THE TWO JEDI MOVES FORWARD. THE BEER SALESMAN: We'll handle this. DARTH MAUL SMIRKS. HE REMOVES HIS HOOD AND NOW IS SEEN HIS HIDEOUS HORNED FACE.

END OF TRANSMISSION

Now, Lord Sidious as you can see, Rune is always a doo dood brained moron (oops! that word again. Hee hee. Sorry. Don't know how to erase tidbits from these hologram message thingies) and when we saw through the holo cameras Darth Maul taking his hood off. Rune swooned and fainted. However I have saved the rest of the battle for your convenience, so that you can judge for yourself, your apprentice's performance. There are several aspects to this holo cameras recordings which seems to be capturing in its data what the Palace's recording systems are failing to register. That before the Jedi and Sith started fighting. They began with verbal insults.

DATED 12:37 REPUBLICAN STANDARD TIME 4parsec6.0 TFR STANDAR TIME

QUI GONN JINN: We meet again, Sith.

OBI-WAN KENOBI: I thought you'd be taller. You're rather short for a villain.

DARTH MAUL: We have been waiting for this moment for a thousands years. At last. Revenge! (twirls lightsaber handle)

QUI GONN JINN:Steady, Obi-Wan we'll take him together.

OBI-WAN KENOBI: All those tatoos aren't going to save you now.

DARTH MAUL: Are you dissing on my repertoire? After making me come out to here to kill you? I'm missing my show! If I'm going to catch the last five minutes of Buddies we're going to have to fight quickly.

OBI-WAN KENOBI: You...watch BUDDIES?

DARTH MAUL: What the hell do you think we've been doing in hiding for all those years?

OBI-WAN KENOBI: Only a SITH has so much time on his hands. I will do what I must.

DARTH MAUL: Tell you what. You don't make fun of my work habits, and I won't say anything about that stupid braid!

OBI-WAN KENOBI: That's it!

QUI-GONN JINN: Careful, Obi-Wan. We must work together.

DARTH MAUL IGNITES A LIGHTSABER BLADE ON HIS LIGHTSABER. AND THEN ...ANOTHER. ITS A DOUBLE SABER.

OBI-WAN KENOBI: (igniting lightsaber, as does QUI GONN) Anyone with two lightsaber blades must be compensating for something.

DARTH MAUL: Now, you will die.

THE JEDI ignite their lightsabers and twirl into combat with DARTH MAUL flipping and fighting.

END OF TRANSMISSION

Now you'll be able to see the entire thing because the feed is automatically being sent to your hologram recordings. Anway, you might here a singing sound of voices in the background during the fight. Its really quite annoying, but the reason is that the NABOO PALACE CHOIR is very punctual about their rehearsals and won't stop for nobody. They don't care that a battle is going on. They're very inconsiderate. I hope they die. Anyway, you're probably wondering what happened with the Queen. Well...I'll get back to you in a few minutes. Excuse me....

OOOOOOOO!!! We've captured the Queen. Yes! YES! GO TRADE FEDERATION! WHOSE YOUR DADDY? WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!! Whooo! Whooo! BUT its tricky getting her to sign the treaty. She's so stubborn. How can fourteen year olds be so difficult? We offered her teen magazines. She said no. We gave her lip stick. She still said no. Then we dangled a two piece, very chic bathing suit in front of her face, and she seemed to waver, and I could tell she was weakening, but when RUNE had the gumption to try it on, that settled it and she still said no. But then Rune took one look at those CDS and...well, here is the recording.

And note something. I have it programmed that in the event of an emergency, like say we ourselves were captured, it would still be sent to you, but the transmission wouldn't be traced. But I trust that we are valuable enough to you, that even if we were caught by somebody you WOULD have the decency of...rescuing us. DARTH MAUL is doing great in his fight, by the way. I can tell by the recordings that he isn't allowing that choir to distract him. He's spinning about and everything. You shoud be so proud of him. He's doing fine. He just kicked Obi-Wan off of a long walkway they were fighting on,but sadly there a walkway right beneath it and Obi-Wan fell on that, instead of having the decency to fall to his death. The nerve of him! Anyway. Forget about HIM. Here is the transmission live now, of us trying to get that stubborn wench to sign the treaty!

DATED 12:69 REPUBLICAN STANDARD TIME 4parsec9.12  
TFR STANDARD TIME

PADME, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and SIX OTHER OFFICERS are brought by TEN BATTLE DROIDS before NUTE and RUNE and FOUR NEIMOIDIAN COUNCIL MEMBERS.

NUTE : Your little insurrection is at an end, Your Highness. Time for you to sign the treaty...and end this pointless debate in the Senate.

PADME: I will not sign.

NUTE: Why not?

PADME: I am responsible for the lives of millions. And my people's blood will be on my hands and in my memory if I do this.

NUTE: They will be on your hands anyway. Enough of them have died because of your stupidity in leaving the first time. Sign the treatry.

PADME: I would rather die.

NUTE: So be it...but you would missing out on a great CD! See? Bleach Boys.

PADME: BLEACHE BOYS?! Oh my gosh! I mean...no. No. Of course not. I'm much too old for them, 're for adolescents.

NUTE: What?! That's silly. Rune listens to them all the time!

PADME: That dummy? I don't want listen to the same music HE listens too!

NUTE: Well if you won't sign the treaty, then perhaps seeing your friend Sio Bibble suffer will change your mind. Bring him in!

SIO BIBBLE IS DRAGGED IN KICKING AND SCREAMING.

PADME: Sio!

SIO BIBBLE: Your higness!

PADME: What have they done to you?

SIO BIBBLE: *sniffle* They made me watch BUDDIES four hours straight!

PADME: What? Oh that's nothing. I'm still not signing that treaty.

NUTE: Not even for cake?

PADME: No! And make my butt fat?

RUNE: What if it was already too late for that?

PADME pauses for a moment too take in RUNE's comments. Then when the setence has registered she leaps on RUNE and starts to hit him. She's dragged off by DROID GUARDS.

NUTE: You will behave yourself.

PADME: I will not be cordial with animals like you, when my people are dying.

NUTE: Then would you like animals like this...?a cute widdle puppie.

PUPPIE: Woof!

PADME: Awww!!!

NUTE: Deal?

PADME: No.

RUNE: Hey, I'd like a dog.

NUTE: Quiet, you. (TO PADME) Or how about lipstick? See? Evanescence Greenba, the space pop star wears this brand!

PADME: Eww! I hate her! I always use a less eye sore brand.

NUTE: This will take desperate measures! I have a lovely two piece bathing suit!

CAPTAIN PANAKA: What are you doing with a two piece bathing suit?

NUTE: None of your business. So how about it?

PADME: Its...my size.

NUTE: Yes.

PADME: And its so pretty.

NUTE: Yes! YeS!

RUNE: And it looks so great! I have one just like it! See?

PADME: Oh my gosh!

SIO BIBBLE: Good gracious! (faints. has to be carried out)

PADME: You can't scare me, NUTE!

NUTE: I'm not trying to scare anyone! Rune! Put that down!

RUNE: Awww! Gee! NUTE: listen. I have these wonderful teen magazines. Cosmic. Seventeen Light Years. Star-Teen. I will let you have them if you will sign the treaty!

PADME: No!

RUNE: Aww, come on, Queenie! Pleezze?!

PADME: No.

RUNE: Oh man. Hey!!!! Wait a minute these mags are mine!

NUTE: Ummm.. Heh. Heh.

RUNE: You've been in my room again!

NUTE: Well...yes.

RUNE: Taking my things!

NUTE: Rune, please. I needed a bargaining chip!

RUNE: Why you little...

CAPTAIN PANAKA: This is why you can never keep people hostage very long.

NUTE: (pointing at CAPTAIN PANAKA and the TEN SOLDIERS) Kill them.

PADME: What?

DROIDS GET READY TO BLAST THEM.

NUTE: Kill them!

PADME: NO!!!

NUTE: Then sign the treaty, your highness!

PADME pauses. A tear runs down her face.

PADME: Panaka, I...

CAPTAIN PANAKA: My lady...its allright.

PADME: I'm so, so sorry.

NUTE: Droids! Open fire! They will each be killed one by one unless you sign the treaty. And don't think we don't know about the little boy hiding in the cockpit of that star fighter.

DROID: He drove off with it, sir.

NUTE: Darn.

SABE dressed like the Queen appears in the doorway with SEVERAL TROOPS. Several destroyed battle droids can be seen in the distance.

SABE : I will not be signing any treaty, Viceroy, because you've lost!

NUTE and THE OTHERS are stunned to see a SECOND QUEEN. NUTE yells at the TEN GUARDS in the room.

NUTE : After her! This one is a decoy!

SIX OF THE DROIDS rush out of the throne room after SABE. NUTE turns to PADME.

NUTE : (Cont'd) Your Queen will not get away with this.

PADME slumps down on her throne and immediately hits a security button that  
opens a panel in her desk opposite CAPTAIN PANAKA.  
PADME grabs two pistols, tosses one of the to CAPTAIN PANAKA and one to an  
OFFICER. She takes a third pistol and BLASTS the last of the BATTLE DROIDS.  
The OFFICERS rush to the door control panel as PADME hits the switch to  
close the door. The OFFICER at the door jams the controls. CAPTAIN PANAKA  
throws more pistols to the OTHER GUARDS. The NEIMODIANS are confused and  
afraid.

PADME : And now, Viceroy. We will discuss a new treaty. You sign a paper stating that the Federation hereby surrenders, and you will keep your lives.

RUNE: Ah! Oh no! Lord Sidious, help! Save us!

NUTE: Rune, shut up!

Sio Bibble: Lord, who?

RUNE: He's a Sith Lord. He'll show you!

PADME: So it's true! The Sith are still around! The Senate must hear of this!

NUTE: Rune, you idiot!

RUNE: He'll save us! I know he will! Darth Sidious is...

WHAM!

NUTE: Take that, you kleepop! You've ruined everything.

PADME: My patience grows thin, Viceroy. Sign the treaty, I am writing up or my men start shooting.

NUTE: Wait! Allright! Allright! On one condition!

PADME: State your terms. And don't expect me to acknowledge them.

NUTE: Let me have my, holo golf club. Please? Its right over there, right next to you.

RUNE: No! No! Don't give it to him!

PADME: Fine. Sign the treaty first!

SCRIBBLE. SCRIBBLE.

PADME: Here. And don't try any funny business. Signing the treaty may have saved your life right now, but you're still not safe if you start swinging that thing. No antics.

NUTE: (taking the golf club) Oh of course not. None indeed. Funny business. How absurd.

RUNE: Take it away! Take it away, quick!

NUTE: Now, where is my dear partner in crime?!

RUNE: Nute, we are family after all...And if I've ever done anything to annoy you, I'm very sorry...

NUTE: What's that? I can't hear you. Come a little closer, you're too far away.

RUNE: AAA!!!!

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

CAPTAIN PANAKA: Hey, this is getting violent. We should stop that guy!

PADME: No, I'm beginning to enjoy this. Dont' stop him until I say so. And that's an order.

WHACK! WHACK!

SOLDIER: Your Majesty, we've found a girl in the back room tied up, watching BUDDY episodes!

PADME: Oh you poor thing! *Hugs the little girl*

Little GIRL: Sniffle. I never want to see BUDDIES again. They're all I've seen for the past three days!

PADME: There. There. That's okay. You're safe now. What's your name, sweetie?

LITTLE GIRL: Juhani.

PADME: Juhani, you'll never be in danger again. Not while I'm alive. You have my protection.

Whack! Whack! Whack!

CAPTAIN PANAKA: I wish I could swing like that. Maybe he'll teach me? (PADME slaps him on the back of the head) OW!!!

Whack!

END OF TRANSMISSION


	35. Note 35 Sidious

Note 35

Nute Gunray, Viceroy of the Trade Federation,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR DETAILED UPDATE. It was very useful, and I am pleased with you for this.

I very much appreciate the recordings you have sent me. I will not forget my promise of your reward, but I am afraid that we will have to wait a little longer for me to distribute it to you. The reason for this is because of your failure in invading Naboo. Because you signed the Queen's treaty, you no longer have any right to Naboo. I do not take failures well…and you will suffer for your error.

However, before you become too concerned, there is another proposition which my next apprentice will present to you. If you take this new offer, your reward will be increased exponentially. As soon as he contacts you (and you will know because he will be another Sith Lord), you are to only maintain contact with him until a later appointed time.

I appreciate your consideration in displaying Darth Maul's performance. Darth Maul failed me as well….in that he did not kill the Jedi apprentice. At least the Jedi have received a tastes of what the Sith are capable of. Hopefully it will instill greater fear within the Jedi Order. This will all be to my advantage.

I assume that you have heard of the outcome of the battle? As I have learned from other sources, Darth Maul was killed in the fight…but not before he killed the Jedi Master. It is unfortunate that he could not have killed the apprentice…but, in a way it saved me from dealing with Maul upon his return to Coruscant.

It is unfortunate for you that she did not sign the treaty, but do not worry. You only lost your chance to control an entire planet yourselves. I have a new plan outlined…and through it you may gain even greater benefits than you would have had the invasion gone as planned. As I said, my new apprentice will provide the details.

You failed in the invasion, and what happens to you now is no longer within my control. You will be sent to the Republic Courts and tried. I will do what I can to aide you, but realize that this may take some time.

Your methods for trying to get the Queen to sign the treaty were inventive, but unfortunately you still failed. You two idiots fell for the decoy scheme by Amidala. But as I said, your failure now no longer matters. We have much work to do.

As for revealing my name…you will pay dearly.

Do reply to this message, but I probably will not reply back for some time….as your main contact will be my apprentice in the coming years. I will give you your reward, as promised, once I accomplish all I need to. Your interaction with one Sith Lord should suffice, though I may change my mind later. We may stay in contact regularly…we will see. What would you like? Would you like to maintain contact with both myself and my new apprentice, or just with my new apprentice? I am leaving the choice up to you.

I assume that the battle should be ending soon. What of the Droid Control Ship? Is it still functioning, or has it been destroyed? You may yet have a chance to wipe out the Gungans and cause the Naboo much grief. After all, they don't need to know about the treaty…yet….after all your people aboard the control ship have probably not yet been informed. If they have, then you can legally do no more damage.

I would not be surprised if a transport from Coruscant arrives to take the two of you away for trials.

Darth Sidious


	36. Note 36 Trade Federation

Author - fistofthedarklord (from the Jedi Council forums)  
.?usr=1163512

To the most esteemed, revered, mighty Darht Sidious,

Help! First of all. I have some bad news, and then I have some semi badnews, and then I have no good news at all! Well...some good news I guess, but I'll save that for last.

First of all, I managed to sneak this message off to you when we put sleeping powder in Sio Bibble's sippy cup when he was supposed to be watching us. Who ever trusted HIM to do anything? Second of all, our droid control ship was BLOWN UP. But that's not what's really bad. I can deal with a courageous war hero managing to blow my fellow clients to smithereens. I automatically get their tax incentives when they die (convenient, huh?) but the WORSE thing about it is that OUR SHIP WAS BLOWN UP BY A NINE YEAR OLD BOY! Has it really come to this! Are we people really THAT OUT OF TOUCH with the new generation? Oh, I hate my life.

How are you? I do so appreciate your saying your going to help us when you can, but... the thing is our invasion was never actually very LEGAL in the first place. Our senators had your assurance that you would make it legal, yes, but...when you didn't do anything to actually do so (well, not to our knowledge anyway) they had to put on a show of blind resistance and denial. As in, "You say that MOI would invade Naboo? How could you. Don't be a poppysnitchpatchki!"

I am so depressed. I've been locked up in the same cell as Rune all night, just reading your letter again and again. You say you'll help us, and yet you also say that we'll pay dearly for betraying you (I didn't...it was RUNE!). And now we don't get any reward. Oh no! Well...tell you what. If you are willing to forget the whole thing? I will give you Rune's share in the Death Star. I cannot give you the whole thing at this time as shares are held by the Genosians and negotiation will have to be held with them else trouble will be had. They do so love to blow things up. In token of good will, I will have built for you a special throne room in the death star. From it you will be able to watch all of space and be awed (if you are by anything) by its magnificence. And it'll be dark and spooky just like you, I mean... *ahem* it will be formed with gothic beauty. I have written up designs and concealed them in my big hat. It wouldn't do to have anyone find out about this. Anyway. So you intend to help us out of this and yet make us pay dearly? Oh I don't like the sound of that. Allright. I'll pay dearly. Get us out of here and there'll be a check in the mail for a zSmillion dollars.

Help! I demand that we put the Producers of the Buddies TV Show on our list of Political Enemies (Rune keeps humming the theme song in his sleep), as well as Yoda and Jar Jar Binks. He keeps asking us through the cell, "Yousa thinkin' youssa gonna die?" Oh my bleeping gosh! I hate him. Kill him. Please. Or send me a vial of poison with which to end my life. On second thought, don't do that. Just get me out of here.

The Genosians demand contact. I mentioned to them (I forgot to put this is my last entry) that you wished to monitor discussions concerning this Death Star deal, and they said their perfectly willing to discuss with you only if they know that you have a generous nature. If you are to begin any proceedings with them, even if it is through me or any negotiator that you might send, it must be...that you build for them on their planet a new gladiatorial arena so that they can send people to get eaten up by their Carnivorous pets, and watch the proceedings at their liesure. Surely, you understand.

That little boy when he landed found out that Darth Maul killed that beersalesman. He was very upset and ran to our holding pen as we were being questioned and screamed, "You killed Qui Gon! I hate you!" Then he proceeded to bite me on the leg. Ouch. It still smarts. He wouldnt' listen to me when I said, 'Don't blame me. It was Rune who put Lord Maul into the frame of mind to kill your friend. Bite him!" But Rune just shrieked and stood on a chair in attempt to get out of the little boy's reach. He's such a coward.

Speaking of which, I am very sorry about Darth Maul. We were so looking forward to having him take care of us, and he and Rune got along so. They were like a married couple. Always fighting. Except if they were a couple that would be just plain wrong on so many levels. Ha! Ha! Gwarsh, I'm depressed.

So let's speak of good things. Happy things. You have a new apprentice you say? I will be happy to converse with him, but judging our relationship with the previous apprentice, I can only shudder when I imagine if you had left all negotiations with you only through him. That would be terrible. Rune could be dead right now, or worse...stuck here in the same cell with me! On second thought, he is stuck in the same as me and I'm going mad, I know I am. How many fingers am I holding up? One? Two? Oh wait, my hands are in my pocket. See! See! Going KehrAZY here!!!! You send that new apprentice and make him get me out of here. Now! Otherwise I will have to take matters into my own hands and create an elaborate escape attempt and have him meeting up with me somewhere with a getaway vehicle. And yes, judging by what I've said in the last two or so sentences, yes I really would very much like to continue to converse with you.

Why on earth would you have wanted to kill Darth Maul? Was that the surprise you were going to give him? That give me ideas for Rune. Hee. Hee. Hee.

A convoy is coming tomorrow to pick us up and take us back to Coruscant as prisoners. The entire Jedi Council is going to be on it! AND the Chancillor. Oh, I shudder to think of it. Or I WOULD shudder but here's the good news. I never told you, but I've arranged for an assasin to hide a bomb in one of Palpatine's suitcases. Ha! Ha! And noone will ever guess who the assasin is. And only I KNOW when the bomb will explode and how to defuse it! Ha! Ha! Neat huh? Bet that'll make you more eager to award us.

Yes, we will do anything that you want us too do on any future endeavors. Just...NO MORE INVADING PLANETS!

yours sincerley,

your humble servant, Nute Gunray.

P.S. Rune says hello.


	37. Note 37 Sidious

Note 37

Nute Gunray,

As I told you before, I will do what I can to help you. I am afraid that due to your many failures you have put this situation upon yourself. There is very little that I can do for you. I shall try to work with those in the Courts to release charges against you. This will not be easy.

Oh, but I am afraid that this is going to have to be our last correspondence for a while. I cannot risk being caught talking to such enemies of the Republic, as you have now been deemed by Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. Unlike you I cannot afford to be in such open defiance against the Republic….not yet.

You speak of the young boy Anakin Skywalker, don't you. Yes, I have heard of him. I will be watching his career with great interest, I assure you. I have heard rumors that he is to be trained as a Jedi Knight.

You idiot! You think that I did not try everything in my power to make the Naboo invasion legal??!!! What do you think the treaty was for? You were the one who failed in that design; not me.

As for the Death Star and the Genosians, my apprentice is already working these details out. Your suggestion for a new killing arena for them is very tempting.

We will have to correspond less often, perhaps once a year. My plans cannot be jeopardized.

Also, although both you and I are opposed to the Republic, I must ask that you never harm the Supreme Chancellor. It is far too risky for us to attack him. I'm afraid that if you do, all your future plans and all of mine will be ruined. I need your word that you will not harm him. Also, I happen to know him very, very well. I DO NOT WANT HIM HARMED. Is that clear!!!

As an alternative to attacking the leader of the Republic, my apprentice will show you a better, more direct way of opposing the Republic. You must listen to him. He is very different from Darth Maul, and is a much more controlled person.

Darth Sidious


End file.
